There is a coping strategy inside the mental illness Caregiver world that I call The Wallowing Time. This strategy can be refreshing and help Caregivers release some of the pent up energy and frustration that they may be carrying.
What is The Wallowing Time?
It is the time needed for a caregiver to bask in the pain and really feel it, be a part of it and let it completely sear through the heart and soul, after a mental illness diagnosis or mental illness issue or event. The Wallowing Time gives Caregivers the ability to feel all the emotions, deal with them, and then bounce back better and stronger, ready to support their loved one with mental illness. Without The Wallowing Time it is hard to move on. The hurt and pain continues to be on the surface and consumes the family. By feeling the pain and allowing it to pass through the body, the mind and body will be freed up to be more of a support to the loved one with mental illness. It is similar to the grief cycle for those families that have lost someone, but also different in the care giving world. While the grief cycle is a bit different for everyone going through it, typically people go through something like this:
1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance.
I think that The Wallowing Time for caregivers is going through all five of these in one painful, but necessary, step. Caregivers generally go through the cycle faster than someone in grief partly because we simply don’t have the luxury of languishing for long times in each one, as we have to care for and organize the healing process for our loved one and partly because of the fact that we are not, in fact, fully in grief (meaning the actual loss of a loved one). While there is such amazing gratitude that, as Caregivers, are lucky enough to get to treat mental illness and have not lost someone to it, there is also a time of isolation, anger, bargaining, our own depression, to finally get to acceptance, and then the ultimate goal–JOY.
In March, when my son attempted suicide and we sat in ICU for four days, I struggled through isolation and denial, while feeling both angry and begging for his life to be spared. When we arrived home without him, there was a searing pain in my abdomen that was constant. I felt raw and out of control with the situation. I couldn’t believe that he was not home with us, that he had to stay at the Behavioral Hospital, but I also felt tremendous fear that he would be back and we would not be able to keep him safe. I was a weird time where I both wanted him back home but also knew that he was getting the help he needed and that we were not prepared to have him home.
As anyone that has gone through this can attest, there are so many things that need to be prepared before a loved one can come home. The hospital where our son went created a Care Plan for us and for him. We had to lock up all medications (if you are a parent and have not done this—REGARDLESS OF YOUR CHILD’S AGE OR MENTAL STATE—please lock medicines up). We would have never dreamed that this would be an issue and we had certainly heard from others to lock up medicines, but we did not think it applied to us. You never know what your child might be thinking, so lock up all meds. We thought we were teaching independence with, “If you need an Advil go get it.” But there is nothing wrong with teens having to ask for medicine.
As we worked to get our house ready for our son to be home again, we often sat in The Wallowing Time, where we cried and felt angry and stared into his room thinking about how we had landed in this most unfortunate place. We thought about the clues we missed and the ones we saw clearly, but didn’t know what to do about. The issues that we could see bubbling to the surface, and the ones we still weren’t sure what they meant. Overthinking, not thinking, wishing it were different, glad we have more time with him to work through depression, staring into space quietly. It was all important and is something every Caregiver needs to give themselves—time to wallow in it, bask in it, and let it seep into every crevice, every nook, in order to promote healing. The only way to truly move on is to accept it and then someday, to embrace the journey. While no one would ever choose this journey, it is our journey, it is here as it is, and the more we not only accept it–but even embrace it–the easier and more joyful it will be. Embrace the healing, embrace the lessons, embrace the chance to encourage others along the way.
As sad as it is to say, we had to go through not only The Wallowing Time but also the whole incident—
So many hours, days, and months were spent thinking about how we could have prevented our son’s suicide attempt, how we could have done something different, how it could have been avoided, how we could not have had to go through all that pain in the hospital, but as we look back, it is obvious that we had to go through the pain to get where we currently are. We did not have the resources we needed and we did not know what to do. We were working slowly and deliberately, but by no means did we understand the urgency, where he was, and how depression had taken over our son. The COVID virus had shut everything down and it was a terrifying and difficult time for the world, but even more so in our home. Mental illness had taken him captive, mental illness took the whole family captive. Maybe you can relate. But by allowing ourselves to feel all the pain and even learn to embrace it, The Wallowing Time proved to be the healing time we needed. Give yourself, dear Caregiver, the gift of The Wallowing Time.
